Enter at Own Risk (for Fortnight of Funnies)

While we are on the subject of kids poems, here is one I wrote ages ago ;)

Thanks to all the messy children out there – you know who you are!

You might think it was about my boy, but one great thing about aspies* is they can be very neat when it comes to their own possessions.

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Enter at Own Risk

Messy’s what I really like
and messy’s what I’ve got.

Mum would like it pristine clean
she’d spoil my favourite spot.

My books don’t really need a shelf
there’s heaps of room on the floor.

They’re better than a carpet
they can also block the door.

Who’d want them in an order
of size, shape and subject matter,

I can see the covers better
when they’re laid out flat and splattered.

The best thing about a messy room
is the places you’ve got to hide

crusty undies and broken cups
and something else that died.

There’s yucky stuff that could be food
befitting an alien snack.

Who would have thought that yellow
banana skins go such a shade of black.

I draw many lovely pictures
leaving paper everywhere

and when the wind blows through the room
they float throughout the air.

Stuffed toys and pillows fluff about
wherever they want to go.

I can’t control their movements
this is not the army you know.

Super balls and marbles
roll around without a care

only causing serious injury
when you enter unaware.

My room is like a mixing bowl
for smells that shock the nose.

I’m warning new arrivals
it reeks of rotten toes.

But my nose has grown accustomed
to the lack of fragrant air.

To me it is quite comforting
only causes Mum despair.

So if you wish to visit me
and enter my abode

you do so at your own risk,
there are things that might explode.

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*aspies – people with asperger’s syndrome or high functioning autism

Miss Murtle the Turtle (Fortnight of Funnies)

Poem by Helen Ross

Miss Helen

Miss Murtle the Turtle

A cute little turtle
Named Miss Murtle
Loved to sit and knit

She knitted a lot
But no matter what
Nothing seemed to fit

A hat for Rose
Ended over her nose
Then she knitted a jumper for Steve

Its colour was bright
The neck too tight
And his left arm didn’t fit the sleeve

A pair of socks
For Rox, the fox
Were too long and far too wide

And some mittens
For two cuddly kittens
Were big enough to hide inside

Then a scarf
Caused a laugh
As it turned out too small to wear

But Murtle just smiled
Like a naughty child
And put it in her friend’s hair

Though never furious
Murtle was curious
To discover why nothing would fit

So she asked a friend
On whom she could depend
To sit and watch her knit

But her friend, Irena
Laughed like a hyena
She thought Murtle was being a clown

For little Miss Murtle
The cute little turtle
Was reading the pattern book upside down

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Helen Ross is a talented ‘Brisbane-based published children’s author, an award winning children’s poet, freelance writer-photographer, and blogger.’

Her new releases include:

Bubble Gum Trouble and Other Giggle Poems

and

10 Yellow Bananas

 

She loves to visit schools around Australia and conducts ‘giggle poetry workshops’ ;)

The kids call her Miss Helen.

You can find out more about Miss Helen over here.

Thanks Helen for your lovely giggly poem :)

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l’oiseau-et-le-loup (for Fortnight of Funnies)

Ben’s Fable: Nature is Cruel

(The bird and the wolf/l’oiseau-et-le-loup)


l’oiseau-et-le-loup

by Bénédicte Delachanal

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Bénédicte Delachanal is a French speaking Canadian artist who lives in Montreal. She blogs art (watercolours, inks, drawings) at Carnet de Dessins.
Thanks Ben
Gros Bisous :)
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tipota (for fortnight of funnies)

Here is a trip down memory lane from the splendiferous artist and poet tipota of spaces between trees blog.

 

worth the price of the ticket

i used to make jokes of the sharply observant kind. i grew up doing it. it came, i think, from having noticed my mother’s fierce intolerance of bacteria on tiled surfaces and all that lysol scent had an effect on me.

i would probably call them “bummer jokes” – tipping toward some unspeakable something, maybe foundational from every place of quiet or place of fear, which responds in some way to the need of the now moment. something you would never think fast enough to hold back before it got out. a way to gain an edge and facilitate structure-comprehension, a subject i think should be an educational requirement. not sociology, psychology, political science alone, but something bigger that teaches about structuring in general. “the mathematics of structure” so a person can begin to develop rational discern with all the crossweaving that goes on. continuously. one needs to work up a sweat doing daily structure-leaping exercises and construction chores and get them all done. because you never know where the dragnet falls next.

it wasnt kosher to joke about having creative block in the sculpture class, i was just doing my thing, but sheesh, they gave me such dirty looks!  ok, admittedly, i hunched over like quasimodo and flapped bat wings when i said it, it’s possible the largest share of communique’ resulted from that

i stormed a dylan concert once, walked right in w/o a ticket because i had an american flag wrapped around me like a sari and so they must have thought i was in the show. if anybody had tried to stop me or especially put a hand on me including gate police, i would have screamed “hands off the flag you treasonous
fool!” and if that didnt work “rape of freedom!” even tho wearing the flag is actually illegal, not one cop even reached for me.

haha

i know i know but cmon my act was worth the price of the ticket.

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Thanks tipota :) That is one hell of a story.

Don’t forget you can join in the fortnight of funnies by emailing me a funny (poems, art, photos, stories etc.,) this week or next if you are a regular follower and commenter on this blog.

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Beeblu (poem for Fortnight of Funnies)

I’ll Have What She’s Having

There’s one in every suburb
posing as a bestie, but beware
for it is said
this creature is a beastie.

Rent-a-husband is her game
and yours is in her sights;
when darkness falls, she’ll come for him
so don’t go working nights.

“Can you help me with my …”
(stick WHATEVER in the blank).
Ain’t his boy scout skills she wants,
Girlfriends, let’s be frank.

With all-consuming envy
she’s competing for your life;
she wants your house, the car you drive,
to replace you as his wife.

So, good women everywhere,
keep friends you know are true.
but guard against the frenemy
lest her prey is you!

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Beeblu passed me this wickedly funny poem for my Fortnight of Funnies. I’m sure we have all come across one of these poisonous critters ;) Beeblu is my internet sister in Existential Angst, which is reflected in her wonderful and often dark poetry. This is balanced with her dry and cynical humour and terrific photos. Beeblu’s blog is found here.

Thanks BB :)

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Don’t forget you can join in the fortnight of funnies by emailing me a funny (poems, art, photos, stories etc.,) this week or next if you are a regular follower and commenter on this blog.

ps.   Image via www.sxc.hu

Lewd Limericks from Stafford (for Fortnight of Funnies)

Larss Drinks

I oft shared a bottle with Larss;
Who sipped with decorum and class.
But once in the bistro
Was totally pissed, so
He finished up flat on his arse!

Wine Lovers

Two pickers of fruit to make wine,
Their young hearts began to entwine.
Went frequently missing
For cuddling and kissing,
And more, hidden under a vine!

Truth Hurts

‘In vino veritas’ states
You drink and confess your lewd traits.
But heed this dire warning,
That maybe next morning
You’ll find you have lost all your mates!

Nightcap

There once was a fellow named Fred
Who took half a dozen to bed.
His wife’s main objection
Was lack of erection
So now poor Fred sleeps in the shed!

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Stafford Ray has kindly sent some of his famous limericks for my Fortnight of Funnies. If you follow his blog, you will know that Stafford has an outrageous sense of humour and a penchant for the limerick ;)

Thanks Staffo :)

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Don’t forget you can join in the fortnight of funnies by emailing me a funny (poems, art, photos, stories etc.,) this week or next if you are a regular follower and commenter on this blog.